Hell Or High Water
Today it was -30 degrees Celsius in Toronto. I think I have frostbite and hypothermia. You know what I heard the best cure for hypothermia is? Getting into a sleeping bag with a naked Wentworth Miller. No, no, that’s not me being a perv. That’s a scientific fact, people! The science part makes it true and ensures that Mr. Miller does not have grounds for a restraining order against me.
To get myself revved up for tonight’s episode, I spent the weekend watching Season 1 on DVD, in addition to winning a poker tournament with my friends and pole-dancing at a local watering hole (no, I don’t want to talk about it). Let’s get this show on the road…
The potential escapees are right where we left them, lying in wait. Lechero leaves the hole first, then T-Bag and Bellick. Michael stops the rest of them from leaving. Oh, Michael, is it true? Have you concocted a devious plan to allow Lechero, Bellick and T-Bag to get caught while you sneak out Whistler, Mahone and McGrady? You diabolical fiend, you! The generator kicks in and the three men up top are stopped. The guards yell stop a few times then dispense with the niceties by pumping a few bullets into Lechero. The remaining boys are still in the tunnel.
Sucre is handcuffed to a filing cabinet while the guard who was previously watching him goes out to capture the potential escapees. Back in the tunnel, Mahone’s asking Michael what’s going on. Michael looks slightly disheveled. No, no! I refuse to believe this wasn’t part of his plan.
Nearby, Susan is listening to a walkie-talkie, which has announced that an escape is in progress. We see Sofia and LJ are bound in the back. Oh, LJ, I missed you so! Especially since I’ve been spending a lot of time lately with you in Season 1.
Back in no-man’s land, Bellick is asking where Michael is. T-Bag stupidly says that if he isn’t caught, maybe he can fix the situation. Ha! Fat chance, T-Bag. Lechero is dragged away, bleeding pints out of his chest. Back in the tunnel Michael confirms what I already suspected: that this is the plan.
On a side note, I really wanna see the movie Jumper. Just in case anyone cared.
Back in the tunnel, Mahone realizes that Michael knew that the generator was going to kick in long before 30 seconds. On the outside, Linc’s frantically calling Sucre, who is unable to answer his phone due to his sprung-up-out-of-nowhere arrest. Linc frantically leaves a message that if Sucre’s not where he’s supposed to be, they’re all dead. Sucre learns that the escape plan was halted and one person got shot. He looks worried for his old buddy Michael.
Linc’s a lot more agitated during this prison break than the last one. He’s out pacing in the forest. McGrady’s father calls him and Linc instructs him to find keys to a car he left.
In the courtyard, T-Bag, Bellick and a slowly-dying Lechero are being interrogated. Bellick says that there’s a tunnel under Lechero’s room and T-Bag looks away disgustedly. God, Bellick folded like a just-out-of-the-dryer towel, didn’t he? Just as the guards are entering the tunnel, Michael leads the rest of the escapees out into no-man’s land. The boys manage to escape just as the tunnel is discovered by the guards.
T-Bag quickly comes to the realization that Michael managed to out-smart them all while Bellick gets pistol-whipped. Bellick gives up the names of the boys who escaped, all the while sniveling like a baby. Oh, Bellick. Grow a pair, why don’t you.
The guards quickly realize the count is off. I bet the other prisoners weren’t too happy about being woken in the middle of the night for count. One of the guards sees the fence that was sprayed by Sucre and realizes that the escapees are gone.
Back in the Panamanian jungle, I am quickly flashing back to Season 2, Episode 1 “Manhunt”. The escapees are running through trees and guards are chasing them. We get a flashback of Linc highjacking the bus from the last episode. I said this to myself last week and I’ll say it now “why did Linc make no attempts to disguise himself when he ordered ALL THOSE WITNESSES off the bus?” They’re telling the cops what happened. If Linc gets thrown into Sona for stealing a bus, I really don’t know what I’ll do. I might scream.
Right now, Linc is free, and driving a car. There’s more running and Whistler falls. Dude, I could play football in high heels and still be more coordinated than you. He says something about tearing his ankle apart (cry-baby) and the other boys try to carry him. Whistler takes a page out of Michael’s book, entitled “101 Ways to be a Martyr” and tells the rest of them to go on without him. Of course, that defeats the entire PURPOSE of the escape, buddy. Michael tells him to get moving.
The boys arrive on the beach and meet up with Linc. Linc FINALLY says something about Michael not being able to break out fewer than 4 people out of prison at any given time (I totally laughed out loud) and begins to dig up that cooler we saw him bury about 10,000 episodes ago.
On the beach, the boys are digging up the cooler and I’m again flashing back to episode 2×01, when they were digging up that bag of clothes in the grave. Seriously, is this the same episode, but in Panama? Whistler says that the Company’s not going to make an exchange peacefully and will, in fact, kill everyone. Linc tells him to shut the hell up. I’m fairly certain Michael planned for this like he planned for the escape.
The cooler is revealed to be holding oxygen bottles (which I had previously assumed) and Linc reveals that he’s not happy Mahone’s involved. Susan calls Linc. Linc lets her talk to Whistler for a moment and she says they’re going to meet in Panama City in 20 minutes.
And then….and then Whistler realizes that he lost his book. No, seriously. I’m going to scream. He also says he didn’t memorize the coordinates that the Company needs. Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me…
The most touching moment of the episode (so far) happens when Mahone asks Linc to put a picture of his son in the plastic bag, to protect it from the water. Damn you, Mahone, you’ve made me cry in the last 3 episodes! Damn you! Linc tells him to go screw himself. Then McGrady says he doesn’t swim well. Well, guess what, kid? I loathe swimming, but if I was being chased by the Panamanian police and army, my ass would be wet faster than you can say “get in the water”.
The boys disappear into the water just as the guards arrive on the beach. Wow, that’s a nice beach. We get a funny shot of Michael dragging McGrady through the water, sharing his tank with him. Awe.
Back in Sona, Bellick’s getting beaten. He denies that he knows anything of Michael’s location and then gets the crap knocked out of him.
Back on the beach, the Panamanian version of Bellick is trying to coordinate a search with the Panamanian version of Henry Pope. The army is dispatched.
Out in the…ocean?…the boys arrive at a buoy and hang on for dear life. It looks like they’re waiting for Sucre (and a boat), who is currently indisposed. While Linc complains, Michael is convinced that his good buddy Sucre is on the way.
McGrady’s father arrives at some docks and asks about boat 312. He notices that the boat Sucre was supposed to take is still there. Oh, this is McGrady’s father’s time to shine! He’s gonna save them, I just know it! Meanwhile, the guards on the beach find the empty cooler. Panamanian Bellick tells Panamanian Pope that they should call the coast guard.
Out in the water, Michale’s still convinced that Sucre is coming. Sucre will never let him down! Except when he’s handcuffed to a file cabinet. Which he is. And apparently his alias is getting better. Not only is he wanted for drunk and disorderly, he’s also charged with not paying child support. Oh God, yes! This keeps getting better and better.
Susan’s complaining in the van, lamenting that she hasn’t heard from the boys in a while. She gets into another car and drives off.
Out in the water, the boys spy a boat. Linc realizes that it’s not being driven by Sucre, but lo and behold, it’s McGrady’s father to the rescue! Whistler takes this inopportune moment to thank Michael for breaking him out and the boys all board the boat.
Michael wonders what happened to his best man-friend while Linc says they gotta bounce. Yes, I said “bounce”. The boys on the boat share a moment in quiet reflection, complete with appropriate solemn music. I wish I had a soundtrack to accompany my life too. Then my brooding would look awesome instead of just whiney.
Back at Sona…good Lord, how much more of a beating can Bellick take? Well, evidently, no more, because the guards have moved onto T-Bag. As he’s dragged out into no-man’s land, he finds Whistler’s discarded bird book. Oh yeah, I see where this is going.
At the docks, Linc thanks McGrady’s father, who kindly brought the box full of dry clothes. McGrady and his father drive off into the sunset, but not before the kid thanks Michael. Oh, and McGrady’s real name is Luis. Wait, wait….are we NOT going to see the shot of the boys changing? WHAT?! What the hell kind of show is this?!
Susan calls Linc and we see that she’s coming up behind him. Turns out they put a tracking device on the boys’ truck and are following with a GPS. By the way, GPS is an amazing feature for a car. My dad has one in his Acura and it’s the best thing ever. We call her Chardonnay. She’s all “turn left in 200 meters” and we’re all “thank you, Chardonnay”.
Nope, wait, they put a tracker on the stopwatch that was given to Whistler. Michael uselessly throws it out the window as Linc practices his defensive driving techniques.
Linc starts ramming the other car and it stops in a spin. But there’s another one right behind it. The boys bail on the car and pull up to the shack previously visited by Lincoln and Sucre. Linc breaks a window and starts shooting at the Company goons.
Sucre’s watching T-Bag get his ass kicked in the room next door and T-Bag stupidly insults the Panamanian Pope. Oy. Dude, shut up. Panamanian Pope tells the guard, however, to let Sucre go. They’ve got bigger fish to fry. Oh yeay! Run, Sucre! Run as fast as your legs can carry you!
Susan’s arrived at the gun fight. She shows that she’s the only one with a brain when she realizes that Linc had taped the sound of a gunshot (a few episodes ago) and is playing it over and over while the boys escaped out the back.
Speaking of the boys, they’re currently driving in another car. Back at the ranch (aka Sona) T-Bag’s being ordered to take off his pants. Sucre’s checking out and asks for his boat rental papers. You don’t honestly think they’re still waiting in the water for you, do you? Come on, buddy.
Hrm…looks like they’re going to attach some electricity to T-Bag’s….um, delicates…and fry them. I’m not even a man and I’m wincing in sympathy. T-Bag starts folding like crazy and recognizes Sucre. Unfortunately, one of the guards catches him on his way out.
Wentworth Miller is wearing a suede jacket. Ok, listen, I get the whole long-sleeve t-shirt thing. The costumers don’t want to show the non-applied tattoos. But did they really have to put him in a jacket? The rest of the boys are all wearing t-shirts. Isn’t this excessive?
Linc drives the boys to the exchange location that he picked out. Susan calls and snarkily commends him on his trick with the radio (“you get that from Home Alone?” she asks….ha!) Linc shows he’s the bigger man and starts calling the shots, ordering her out to the warehouse.
McGrady and his father come across a roadblock and start to panic. Uh-oh.
Back in Sona, Sucre’s repeating my personal mantra when caught in a sticky situation: deny, deny, deny. Unfortunately, his FBI picture is delivered to the Panamanian Pope and T-Bag grins in the background.
At the abandoned warehouse (do you realize how many of them there are in this show?), the boys are still waiting. Mahone announces that he’s going to leave. Unfortunately, Linc isn’t about to let bygones be bygones and pulls a gun on Mahone. I’m chanting “no, no, no!” but I don’t know if Lincoln is listening. DO NOT kill Mahone! DO NOT!
Michael tries to stop Linc when he’s distracted by breaking glass. As Mahone uses the opportunity to run, we see that Whistler has escaped. Whistler manages to steal a truck from an innocent bystander and Wentworth Miller is starting to sweat in that jacket. Michael asks “what are we going to do now?” Oh boy, this doesn’t look good.
Now for the calls to my various family members….my grandfather loved the episode. He just called Susan a “bitch”! That’s awesome! I’ve never heard him utter that word before in all my 28 years. Cousin Joe wonders whether Michael’s gonna break Sucre out of Sona. I asked him whether he thought Lincoln might get arrested for stealing that bus and whether Michael will break him out again. Joe thinks that Michael would just say “f**k you, buddy, I’ve had enough of your screw ups” and could you really blame him if he did?
I’ll see you all here next week, kids!
Written by: Clarissa